


Yes, Even Stars Break

by holcene



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:00:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4371134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holcene/pseuds/holcene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven years of training, five years of Joohyun, one debut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> An attempt at second person that got a little out of control

When Bae Joohyun arrives, she's all anyone talks about.

 

You don’t really bother with it, not the type for petty gossip, but you entertain Seungyeon as she rambles on and on about the mysterious new trainee who’s so pretty students used to line across the windows just to get a glimpse of her. You think it’s probably just an exaggeration (you’ve seen Yoona sunbae before and you don’t think anyone could compare to her), but when you see Joohyun for the first time during dance practice, off to the side, listening intently to the instructor, you start to believe everything Seungyeon told you.

 

Pretty as she is, you’re not sure she’ll last. She’s so small, so fragile, you’d hate to see someone like her ruined by the industry, but then she turns to you, eyes set, jaw locked, and there’s a sort of determination behind that initial timidness that has you backtracking.

 

You watch her. Witness her move with more grace than you’ll ever have, see her become an entirely different person under the booming tempo of the music, and you think:

 

_please last._

 

_\--_

 

You don’t actually talk until a week later.

 

You’re coming out of vocal lessons when Seungyeon calls you over, voice far too cheery for someone who’s just ended acting lessons.

 

“Seulgi!” she gestures you forward hurriedly and it’s only when she turns that you see Joohyun standing behind her. “Have you met Joohyun unnie yet?”

 

You shake your head as Joohyun’s eyes wander off to the side, avoiding direct contact with your own.

 

“Hi.” you offer and she bows her head.

 

“Hello.”

 

It’s a bit too formal and stiff but you chalk it off to awkwardness. Joohyun doesn’t say anything, just keeps her eyes trained on anything but you and you can’t help but wonder why.

 

Seungyeon starts babbling on about practice and school and something else you don’t bother catching. Joohyun still won’t look at you, and for whatever reason, you’re hit with the determination to change that.

 

“Unnie," you call softly, interrupting Seungyeon’s monologue. Joohyun finally looks at you, eyes wide and you think there’s no way she can be older, “would you like to go eat with us?”

 

Joohyun doesn’t say anything right away, but that doesn’t stop you from looking on hopefully.

 

“Actually,” Seungyeon starts, eyes trailing back and forth between the two of you, “I think I’m going to get some extra practice in. You two go ahead.”

 

She leaves before you can say anything. You wonder what her angle is - she’s never been the type to turn down an outing, especially for the sake of practicing - but you don’t dwell on things that shouldn’t matter and leave it alone. You turn back to Joohyun who has yet to speak.

 

“So, just you and me then?”

 

You smile in the way you’ve been told is cute and it seems to cripple Joohyun second by second until she’s giving you one of her own.

 

“Just you and me then.”

 

\--

 

Whether it’s because Joohyun’s the oldest or she’s so pretty to the point of intimidation, the other trainees never seem to talk to her so much as they talk about her.

 

You notice it when you’re in the middle of a dance, some of the others off to the side, kind of watching but mostly messing around, and Joohyun walks in and suddenly the thump of the bass becomes deafening in the sudden silence.

 

It happens again during a break in acting lessons, your friends who were just moments before laughing unabashedly now whispering to each other secretly at her arrival.

 

You think (hope) that Joohyun doesn’t notice, but when your eyes try to find hers and they can’t because Joohyun’s too busy staring down at the floor, you know she does.

 

You don’t really know Joohyun - one awkward meal together hardly places you as friends - but it doesn't sit well with you to know she’s been put on a pedestal so high up she’s all alone.

 

The others eye you as walk across the room, but you ignore them, pretending not to be intimidated by the stares - your sweaty palms and warm cheeks saying otherwise.

 

“Practice was hard today, huh?” you say as you drop unceremoniously to the floor next to her. She startles and you almost laugh.

 

“Uh- yeah, I guess.” her voice is small, like a child’s. It makes you want to wrap her in your jacket and shield her from the world.

 

You smile instead.

 

“We should practice together some time. You dance really well.” you comment casually, blowing a strand of hair away from your face.

 

In the middle of the room, Jongin has started a dance battle with some of the others, and all the attention that was previously on you two filters away.

 

Joohyun rests her cheek against her knees, looking at you with eyes that seem like they’re sparkling with the kind of stars you’ve only seen in the sky.

 

“Okay.” she answers, the smallest hint of a smile on her face and she’s so beautiful it has your lungs constricting in a way that's painful.

 

You nod because you don’t think you can speak at the moment and turn away. Joohyun’s eyes are burning holes into the side of your head and you can’t quite figure out why your heart is beating the way it is.

 

You’re fifteen and you don’t realize it then, but you’re in love.

 

\--

 

At sixteen, you hit a slump so hard it physically weighs you down to your bed in the mornings.

 

You don’t want to get up because everything seems pointless and nothing matters anymore. The friends you’ve trained with have either debuted or are preparing to debut or quit because they were smart and got out early. While you’re just there still clutching onto the useless hope that your time will come soon even though everyday it seems like it’s going further and further away.

 

Your friends from school don’t understand why you’re constantly tired and you want to tell them but you can’t because you’re just a trainee and it’s always been an unspoken rule that you don’t talk about being a trainee until you’ve got something to show for it.

 

Your body feels heavy with the burden of all the problems you can’t even share, and your dad, who finds you sprawled on the couch late one night, sits beside you and rubs your back the way he used to when you were younger and you couldn’t sleep.

 

“Don’t push yourself.” he says quietly. “If it’s too hard, it’s okay to stop. You don’t have to do this.”

 

You look into his eyes and you know he means every word, know that maybe it was too hard for him, that he gave up and now spends his days wondering what it would be like if he hadn't. He’s been your biggest supporter for as long as you can remember and you know it’s both of your dreams that you’re striving for. And even though he’s serious, you don’t want to quit, you don’t want to fail. You don’t want to spend forever wondering ‘what if.’

 

Maybe that’s why you linger when everyone else has already gone and in the solitude of the practice room, stare at yourself in the mirror and think about every reason why you should just stop.

 

You aren’t pretty enough.

 

You can’t sing well enough, can’t dance well enough, can’t act well enough, can’t do anything well enough.

 

You’re just not good enough.

 

You don’t even realize you’re crying until you bury your face into your hands and feel the tears soak into your palms.

 

It doesn’t even feel worth it.

 

“Seulgi?”

 

You don’t lift your head because you’re ugly when you cry and someone as pretty as Joohyun doesn’t deserve to see that.

 

“Seulgi-yah.”

 

Nimble fingers pry your hands away from your face but you keep your head down. You think it’s funny that of all the people to find you it had to be Joohyun, the one person you know you’d crumble under because she looks at you like you could move mountains when all you really can do is climb them.

 

She lowers her head, trying to meet your eyes but you’re stubborn and turn away. You can imagine her frown as she rubs your arm soothingly.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks. You hate that she’s concerned, hate that it’s your fault, hate that you aren’t stronger than you are.

 

“I-” the words die in your throat, fresh tears blurring your vision. You will yourself not to cry, but you’ve never been good at stopping once you’ve started. “It’s just,” you try again, “I’m so...tired.”

 

You bring your knees to your chest, trying to cave into yourself. You’re more than tired, but you don’t know how to say that without seeming like you’ve given up (even if you already have).

 

Joohyun wraps her arms around you, breath warm against your cheek as she nudges her forehead against your temple. It’s the closest you’ve ever been to her, but you can’t even revel in the moment because you’re too busy trying not to sob like a complete child.

 

“I know.” she whispers, holding you closer. “I know.”

 

And you let yourself go, crying into her shoulder as she comforts you quietly. It hits you then that you’re not the only one who’s suffering. Joohyun who’s the oldest and has to watch out for all the other trainees, who learned how to speak like everyone else because she didn’t want to be different _,_ who lives so far from home but never complains. She’s got it so much worse than you and yet you’re the one crying.

 

“I’m sorry,” you say, wiping at your eyes with your sleeves. “I just-”

 

She lowers your arms, looking at you with a tender smile and it still takes your breath away.

 

“It’s okay. I understand.”

 

You nod and move back - now that you aren’t a blubbering mess you’re aware of the close proximity and you’re really not ready for that just yet. You look at yourself in the mirror and, god, you really are ugly when you cry, especially next to Joohyun who looks stunning just sitting there.

 

“You can’t quit.” Joohyun says after a while. You stare at each other through the mirror and maybe it’s your imagination but she looks flustered. “If you quit- I...what will I do?”

 

You turn to her, but she keeps her face forward. Softly,she continues.

 

“If you can’t make it then how will I?”

 

You frown. “Unnie…”

 

She looks at you then and you see that same determination from that first day, except now it’s directed only at you and not a room full of people doubting her.

 

“Just keep going okay? And I’ll keep going with you.” she tells you and you can’t help but smile.

 

It feels like you’ve broken through the surface of murky water when you breathe. Lungs on fire but relieved with the weight that’s been lifted from your shoulders.

 

“Okay,” you nod, “but you have to promise.”

 

She laughs as you hold out your pinky finger, but laces it with her own nonetheless.

 

“I promise.”

 

She smiles at you and you realize then that it is worth it _._

 

Joohyun's worth it.

 

\--

 

There’s an unspoken bond between the two of you after what you refer to as ‘the incident.’

 

Joohyun seems to always be there every time you turn and if she’s not, then she’s in front of you, urging you forward.

 

You learn a lot about Joohyun these days. How she has an irrational dislike for chicken, how she hates whenever you crack your knuckles (which you make sure to do as often as you can in her presence), how she loves skinship more than anyone else you know.

 

The first time she links arms with you, it throws you off completely. You’re not a very physically affectionate person to begin with, but coupled with the fact that it’s Joohyun of all people, has you turning completely rigid.

 

“Relax.” she laughs, swatting at your frozen arm. “I don’t bite.”

 

You scratch at your neck, hoping that the chuckle you let out doesn’t sound as awkward or as forced as it does to you.

 

“Right, sorry.” you apologize. “I don’t usually do skinship.”

 

She pinches your cheek and smiles teasingly. “I know, but I do so you better get used to it.”

 

You yelp at the hand that slaps you from behind and you’re sure you’ve turned ten shades darker. Joohyun runs off, laughing at your demise and you think she’s really more than just a pretty face. She’s cute and childish, kind and sweet. She laughs at things that aren’t funny, hits you whenever you try to be, and is always there even when you aren’t looking.

 

She’s perfect.

 

She’s everything you’ve ever wanted.

 

\--

 

You get confessed to for the first time when you’re seventeen.

 

You don’t really understand what’s happening until it’s happening and suddenly the bumbling awkwardness from him and teasing smirks from your friends makes sense.

 

Honestly, you’ve never even thought about boys and you certainly didn’t think they thought about you either.

 

He’s looking at you expectantly, sweating so much you feel kind of bad and, oh, you’re supposed to say something.

 

“I’m sorry,” you start and his face falls. You feel terrible, you really do, but if you’re being truthful, you barely even know the guy. He’s just another classmate you only just remember the name of.

 

You stumble through the rejection, doing your best not to hurt him, but he still leaves with his head hanging low and his shoulders forward.

 

It jars you, realizing you’ve had such an effect on someone you hardly know. You don’t understand how it’s possible and you spend more time than you’d like mulling it over long after it’s happened.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Joohyun asks, knocking against your head lightly.

 

You pout at her. “I got confessed to today.”

 

Her expression is startlingly neutral and you have no idea what she is or isn’t thinking.

 

“Did you accept?”

 

You shake your head, twisting the cap of your water bottle. “No. I don’t even know him, but he seemed so upset after...” You stare at the ceiling, recalling the image of him dejectedly walking away from you and sigh. “I didn’t even think anyone liked me.”

 

“Everyone likes you, you dummy.” Joohyun laughs and pokes at your side.

 

You swat at her. “I mean _like_ like.”

 

Joohyun shakes her head and she’s still smiling in that way she always does whenever she looks at you (like she knows more than she’s letting on and you’ll never figure out what).

 

“A lot of people _like_ like you.”

 

You frown. “That’s not true.”

 

Joohyun raises a brow and answers simply. “Jongin.”

 

“We’re just friends!”

 

Joohyun rolls her eyes. “Maybe to you, but he definitely wants to be more.”

 

You and Jongin have been friends since you started training, bonding over your mutual love for dance and performing. The idea of being anything more than that with him is weird on so many different levels.

 

You grimace. “He’s like my brother.” Joohyun laughs again, linking her arm with you as she guides you both out of the practice room.

 

“I know, I was just making a point.” she says as you walk. You don’t even know where you’re going, but you don’t mind as long as you’re with Joohyun.

 

“I still don’t see what your point is exactly.”

 

She chuckles dryly and halts you both. You’re in the hallway outside of the rooms with voice lessons. Down the hall, you can hear the heavy pounding of the bass of some pop song.

 

Joohyun stares at you, face suddenly serious. “You’re charming, Seulgi, and you're pretty. You can sing and dance and you’re adorable without even trying. A _lot_ of people like you.”

 

You want to laugh because none of that seems true, but the air around you is too thick for you to even consider that she’s joking.

 

And you wonder.

 

_Do you like me?_

 

You open your mouth to speak, but before you can one of the doors opens. It’s like being woken from a trance with the way both your heads snap towards it immediately.

 

A group of girls file out, giggling in the way school girls do. One of them smiles and bows at you as she passes.

 

Kim Yerim.

 

She’s so young, but she’s talented with a face that the company already adores. You wouldn’t be surprised if she debuted before you (all your other friends did).

 

The two of you don’t say anything as they pass, just wait silently until it’s only the two of you again. The hallway feels suffocating, filled with all the hopes and dreams of every trainee who’s ever walked through it, and it crushes you, brings you back to the reality you almost forgot about.

 

“I meant what I said earlier,” Joohyun starts softly, “a lot of people like you.”

 

You want to ask why she’s bringing this up again, but you can’t will yourself to. There’s another unspoken question lingering in the air, filling the gaps that separate you both. You’re not sure if you want to know the answer.

 

“Whatever you say, unnie.” You smile, grabbing her hand and leading her back the way you came. “Come on, I’m hungry!”

 

She doesn’t say anything about the topic again, and you never bring it up either. That doesn’t stop you from thinking about it late at night, when it’s just you and your thoughts and the image of Joohyun looking at you in that narrow hallway.

 

_Do you_   _like me?_

 

\--

 

There’s a new girl, Seungwan (or Wendy you’ve heard people call her - she _is_ from Canada), who arrives and she’s so good at singing you want to be jealous but you can’t because you’re a little starstruck if you’re being honest. You take it upon yourself to become her friend and you drag along a slightly unwilling Joohyun with you.

 

“Hi.” you smile and she looks kind of alarmed to see two of the longest trainees standing in front of her. “I heard you singing. You’re really good!”

 

“Uh, thanks.” she says, eyes still a bit wide.

 

You elbow Joohyun who yelps and sends you a threatening glare. You motion for her to say something because she’s the oldest and she’s supposed to be good at this sort of thing.

 

“Hi.” Joohyun’s smile is timid at best and on impulse, she reaches for your hand. “I’m Joohyun.”

 

“Seungwan.” she introduces, bowing deeply.

 

Cute.

 

“We were just about to eat. Would you like to come?”

 

Joohyun shoots you a look that says neither of you so much as talked about eating, but you ignore it. She needs more friends anyways.

 

“Sure.” Seungwan smiles. “Just let me go get my stuff.”

 

When she leaves the two of you, Joohyun raises a brow.

 

“What?” you ask but she just shakes her head.

 

Seungwan comes back before you can question Joohyun further and it’s only when you’re out of the building and in the cold, Joohyun pressed firmly into your side that you realize she still hasn’t let go of your hand.

 

\--

 

Seungwan fits into your life so easily it’s almost like she was made to be there in the first place.

 

It helps that she just seems to _get_ you when it comes to music.

 

And then there’s Joohyun who’s been more and more confusing the more you stop to think about it (which you do quite often). It’s been a year since you met Seungwan, two years since your classmate pulled you aside and confessed to you, and you’ve determined that part of the reason you’ve never thought about boys is because of training but also because you’re too busy thinking about Joohyun.

 

It’s not even you that makes this revelation, but Seungwan who’s somehow picked up on the slight nuances that make up your relationship with the older girl.

 

You’re in the middle of a story about how Joohyun helped you discover your hidden talent for imitating pikachu, when Seungwan starts laughing to herself quietly.

 

“What?” you ask, staring at her in concern. Maybe the time away from Canada has finally made her crazy.

 

“Nothing.” she shakes her head, smile still on her face. “It’s just, you two talk about each other a lot.”

 

You look at her confused. “What do you mean?”

 

Seungwan raises a brow and looks at you like she’s about to tell you something profound (she probably is). “You two are always with each other, and if you aren’t, well,” she gestures at you vaguely. “You’re like this.”

 

You look down at yourself, thinking maybe you’re missing something, but when Joohyun walks in later, armed with a pikachu plush she claims she couldn’t not buy for you when she saw it, and your cheeks warm and your heart begins to beat like you just ran a marathon you think you understand.

 

You glance at Seungwan who’s been watching the whole exchange silently, the look on her face saying more than it doesn’t (she’s never been good at controlling her expressions).

 

You try to ignore it but it’s hard and all you think about. Joohyun’s all you think about.

 

_I told you so._

 

\--

 

Your name is at the top of the search engines and your first thought is that they chose a terrible picture to use of you in the article.

 

This is followed closely by the overwhelming confusion over why you’re even in an article in the first place.

 

“I didn’t know you knew Kyuhyun sunbaenim.” Seungwan comments, reading the article on her own phone.

 

“I don’t.” You frown. “Not really, anyways.”

 

You’ve met all the company seniors at least once or twice, mostly just in passing (perks of being around for so long), but never enough for you to think they’d know you let alone mention you on public television.

 

It’s all Soojung and Jinri’s fault, you think as you fall backwards to lie on the floor. You haven’t talked with them much since they debuted all those years ago, but you know they always got a kick out of all the older trainees constantly doting on you. Those jerks.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Joohyun asks, crouching over you so you’re looking up at her. She’s blocking the light and from this angle it’s almost like she’s glowing.

 

You close your eyes instinctively.

 

“Kyuhyun subaenim mentioned her and now everyone’s going crazy trying to find her pictures.” Seungwan answers casually while you groan.

 

“Seriously?” Joohyun asks and from the sound of her voice you know it’s meant for you.

 

You nod.

 

“Is that...bad?”

 

You laugh and it’s so easy to picture the frown on Joohyun’s face. Honestly, you wouldn’t make fun of her age so much if she would just act like she was still part of your generation.

 

“Not really.” Seungwan answers. “The comments aren’t all that bad. A few say to stay away from him, but most are just saying you’re cute.”

 

“Then why is she…” You crack an eye open to see Joohyun gesturing at you.

 

“No clue, but I’ll leave that for you to figure out. I’ll see you later, unnie!”

 

“Where are you going?” You call after her, tilting your head back enough to see her standing at the door.

 

“Voice lessons.” she responds simply.

 

You purse your lips. Didn’t she just have voice lessons?

 

Before you can say anything, she leaves and then it’s just you and Joohyun alone together. You close your eyes again because if you look at Joohyun it might bring up feelings you don’t even want to think about nevermind experience.

 

“Seulgi.” she calls, voice much nearer than before. You feel fingers pull through your hair and for a while you revel in the comfort of her touch. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” and it’s not a lie. There’s nothing wrong in this moment. Not with Joohyun stimulating all your senses like this. How could anything be wrong?

 

“Are you sure?” she asks, fingers stopping. You almost whine.

 

“I’m grateful he remembers me.” You answer finally and Joohyun’s fingers start again. You have to concentrate to get out what you want to say because it’s hard to focus on anything when Joohyun’s touching you like this. “But now if I don’t debut…”

 

Six years is a long time. Most trainees don’t stay longer than seven, not unless they’re really dedicated, but you don’t know how much longer you can keep this up. The idea of being on stage is beginning to feel like a far off dream once again. Only this time you’re not sure you want to keep chasing it.

 

“You’ll debut.” Joohyun tells you and when you open your eyes, she’s much nearer than you expected.

 

“How do you know?”

 

She smiles wryly. “I don’t.”

 

She doesn’t. You can tell from her eyes that she doesn’t. All the uncertainty, the stress, she doesn’t know if you’ll debut or if she will either, but she’s still holding on for the both of you. She always has been.

 

“All right.”

 

She quirks a brow. “All right?”

 

“All right.”

 

You smile and she follows soon after.

 

“All right.”

 

\--

 

They put you in a project group with Joohyun and Seungwan and a couple of others. It’s tentative and nothing’s set in stone, but it’s one step closer and your heart almost bursts at that thought alone.

 

“Told you.” Joohyun whispers, nudging you with her elbow.

 

“Yeah, you did.” You smile as Seungwan, on the other side of you, starts muttering to herself in English, pulling out her phone to probably call her parents.

 

Training with the group is harder than any of your training from before. It’s long and tiring and you feel like you’re getting yelled at more than you're getting praised. The girls originally in the lineup are slowly pulled out one by one, your heart stopping every time another one leaves.

 

_You’re next,_ you keep thinking and you dance harder and sing louder, until your legs are shaking and your throat is burning.

 

There’s only four of you left. You, Joohyun, Seungwan, and another girl, Sooyoung, who’s younger than all of you and the most inexperienced. She’s nice and funny, but her eyes are bright with insecurity. You hope she makes it.

 

“Irene.” Joohyun mumbles, looking at her picture. “How come _you_ get to keep your name?”

 

You laugh as you both scroll through the endless amounts of pictures you just took. A predebut team they called it. An introduction before the introduction.

 

“Do I look like I could be anything other than a Seulgi?” you ask her and she narrows her eyes at you before decidedly shaking her head. “That’s what I thought.”

 

It’s not quite a debut, but the photoshoots and videos and supportive (and negative) comments quell your restlessness. You know a debut is around the corner, you’ve already recorded all these songs and Seungwan and Sooyoung already have stage names as well - though Seungwan’s name is really just her English name (“Now you _have_ to call me Wendy!” she shouts and you groan). It’s just the matter of when that has you biting at your nails and cracking your knuckles more than usual.

 

“Seulgi, Joohyun.” Your dance instructor calls. He’s got two chairs set up in the middle of the room and you both share a look. He smiles. “I’ve got a project for you.”

 

The choreography itself is hard enough without the chairs thrown in (you _really_ hope they don’t make you sing this live later), and then there’s the fact that it’s with Joohyun - which isn’t bad, you love dancing with her, it’s just the kind of dancing you’re doing isn’t entirely what you were expecting (though really, you should have known once you saw the chairs).

 

“It’s supposed to be sensual, you guys.” your instructor sighs after you go through it for the nth time that day. “Again. And put some feeling in it!”

 

Feeling.

 

You could put a lot of feeling if you wanted to - probably too much really - but you stop yourself every time. Although, realistically, if there were ever time to, now would be it. There’s nothing holding you back this time.

 

Just let yourself go.

 

With a deep breath, you steel yourself and when you turn, look at Joohyun the way you’ve always wanted to.

 

Her eyes widen for a fraction of a second before it’s gone, replaced with narrowed eyes and parted lips. She was always a good actress.

 

You dance like you mean it. Let yourself drown in Joohyun’s presence, let you bask in the touches the dance has allowed you, let your eyes linger longer than they should. When you finish, you’re panting, body hot but not from of all the movement.

 

Behind you, your instructor claps.

 

“That’s what I’m talking about!” he smiles. “Now just do that every time.”

 

You spare a glance at Joohyun who’s breathing heavily, sweat lining her forehead and neck. She gives you a crooked smile and your face warms.

 

“Again?”

 

You nod, getting into position.

 

This dance will be the death of you.

 

\--

 

A cover up group.

 

That’s what you’re being called. You’d be offended if you hadn’t already thought the same thing.

 

“Be happy! We’re debuting.” Seungwan says, brushing against you slightly. Even if she’s supposed to be Wendy now, you think she’ll always just be Seungwan. Seungwan who sings silly songs with you late at night, who makes you food whenever you whine and eats it all with you so you don’t feel alone. Seungwan.

 

You hum in response, strumming lazily at the guitar in your lap. Seungwan sings along, nonsense words that don’t really make sense, but she has the kind of voice that makes even gibberish sound nice.

 

“Maknae.” you call and Sooyoung looks up at you from where she’s doing homework on the floor. She glares at your use of her new title.

 

“Don’t make me throw my pen at you.” she deadpans and you laugh.

 

“Wendy! Wendy! What are we going to do? Our maknae is so scary!”

 

Seungwan throws her head back in laughter as Sooyoung actually does throw her pen at you, its tip knocking against your head lightly.

 

“Hey, respect your unnie!” you shout but Sooyoung just throws another pen.

 

When Joohyun comes in, Seungwan’s on the floor, holding her stomach in laughter, while you’ve got Sooyoung in a headlock as you harass her with your self-proclaimed ‘world’s deadliest aegyo.’

 

“What is…” Joohyun trails, watching the scene with equal parts amusement and confusion.

 

“Leader! Leader! Save me!” you laugh as Sooyoung somehow gets you on the floor and sits on your back. You struggle feebly. “Sooyoung you’re too fat, I’m going to _die_!”

 

Sooyoung just rests more of her weight on you. “What was that, unnie? I couldn’t hear you over your idiocy.”

 

Seungwan sounds like she’s actually dying with the way she’s wheezing.

 

“What did you do to her?” Joohyun asks you as she crouches down to your level.

 

Sooyoung’s still on your back, but she lets up enough for you to breathe.

 

“Nothing! She started it.” And Sooyoung drops back down.

 

You’re going to die before you even debut.

 

Joohyun laughs, pinching your cheek. “What a cute bear” she coos and every one doubles over as you try to swat at her.

 

A cover up group.

 

But as long as it’s with them, you don’t think you mind.

 

\--

 

You’re twenty and you debut.

 

Seven years of training, all come down to this.

 

Joohyun, Seungwan, and Sooyoung next to you, standing on a stage in front of people screaming your name. You’re not even nervous.

 

 

\--

 

There's a moment when you're getting off stage, the cheers still loud in your ears and your fingers still trembling (from nerves or excitement you aren't sure), and Joohyun turns back to look for you. Her eyes are glistening but she's not crying, not like Sooyoung or Seungwan who let go as soon as the song finished.

 

She reaches for you and you let her take your hand, smile warm and soft. Maybe it's the post performance jitters or the lingering excitement from debuting, but you feel electrified, an intense feeling of _something_ coursing through your body when she touches you. You don't want it to stop. You want to hang onto this feeling - this moment - so you can remember what it was like to look at Joohyun and see every star reflected in her eyes, every moment she’s ever looked at you this way, every second you’ve spent together, and decide you never want to look away.

 

You want to remember this exact moment you realized you love her.

 


	2. Chapter 2

There’s an easiness in loving Joohyun that you’re thankful for.

 

Without it, you’re sure you would have given yourself away by now (though with the pointed looks Seungwan keeps giving you you think you might already have), Joohyun never says anything and neither do you, so you keep loving her in the way you always have, only now you’re actually aware of why your body reacts to her the way it does.

 

Nothing about your relationship with her has changed, she’s your friend first and foremost and you’re fine with it staying that way. As long as she’s in your life somehow, you don’t mind.

 

Yet, when you lie down at night, Joohyun’s bed not far from yours, you can’t help but wonder what it would be like if things were different. If she were next to you instead of away, if you could hold her while you slept and wake up with her in the morning, if maybe, just maybe, she were to love you too. But you try not to dwell on those thoughts too much.

 

Things are perfect the way they are, and you don’t need it to change.

 

Not yet.

 

\--

 

It’s in the middle of promotions that you start to notice a change in yourself.

 

The excitement of standing on stage every week, of sharing a stage with seniors you’ve always looked up to, of gazing out into a crowd and seeing a sign with your name on it, is still there - it always will be - but lately you’ve begun to realize the differences between who you think you are and who everyone else sees you as.

 

There's Seulgi who smiles and laughs and waves when she's supposed to and never shows anything less than what’s expected.

 

And Kang Seulgi who still gets nervous every time she sees a camera and worries constantly over what she should or shouldn’t say. It’s making you come off as someone you aren’t, but you don’t know how to change without feeling like a fraud.

 

You find yourself falling into a sort of existential crisis, spending more time in your bed or at the noraebang alone, contemplating if you're you because you want to be or because the company made you this way. Seven years is a long time. Maybe you just didn't realize you'd been losing parts of yourself all the while.

 

You wander into the practice room one day and find Sooyoung there, staring at the mirror seriously.

 

“Sooyoung?”

 

She jumps and turns to face you, completely flustered.

 

“I-I was just-” she trails, refusing to meet your eyes.

 

You move to sit next to her and you look at each other in the mirror. You’re suddenly reminded of sitting like this all those years ago, Joohyun at your side. The girl staring back at you doesn’t even look like the same person.

 

“I get it.”

 

Sooyoung doesn’t ask what you mean and you think that maybe she already knows.

 

“It’s harder than I thought it would be.” she says after a while.

 

You want to say something to make her feel better, to be there for her like Joohyun was for you, but you don’t know how. You don’t know how to be anything other than a singer and a dancer, a constant actress who’s been trained in almost every aspect of her life.

 

You don’t even feel like you anymore.

 

Sooyoung sighs and from her reflection you can see just how tired she is. It must be difficult for her, trying to live up to her position as maknae. She’s the oldest in her family and the sudden role reversal is taking its toll.

 

“It’ll get easier.” You say and you wonder if Sooyoung believes your words when you’re not even sure you do, but Sooyoung just nods, staring at herself intently.

 

“I hope so.”

 

You stay like that for a while, studying your reflection carefully, thinking - hoping - that maybe if you stare long enough, you’ll remember who you really are.

 

\--

 

It’s in your second round of promotions, when you’re doing that same dance with Joohyun multiple times a week, that you feel like you might crack any second.

 

The gap between _Seulgi_ and _Kang Seulgi_ feels like it’s only getting wider and you find yourself hesitating in things you wouldn’t normally. Even going on stage has become something you dread instead of look forward to.

 

“Are you okay, unnie?” Sooyoung asks you once, when it’s been hours since everyone went back to the dorm, and you’re still in the practice room, reminding yourself over and over again that you can do this, that you trained for this, that you’re better than _this_.

 

“Yeah, of course.” You tell her but you know she can see through the lie.

 

She lingers by the door, looking like she wants to say more but instead she just nods, beckoning you over.

 

“We should go. Joohyun unnie’s already worried.”

 

Joohyun.

 

You haven’t had much time alone with her these days and you can’t tell if that’s making you worse or better. You like that she’s near, but you hate it even more that she’s still so far. It’s probably better this way; you don’t need even more to think about.

 

When you get back, Joohyun’s waiting for you. There’s a crease between her brows you only see when she’s particularly distressed about something and you berate yourself silently for being the cause.

 

Sooyoung spares you a glance as she walks into the room you all share, shutting the door behind her decidedly so that it’s just you and Joohyun alone in the living room.

 

Joohyun doesn’t say anything right away and you know she’s waiting for you to start. You consider making an excuse to get away, but you’re so tired you can’t even bring yourself to do that.

 

You fall onto the couch, head facing up so you can trace indiscernible patterns on the ceiling. You feel Joohyun settle next to you seconds later before a hand is placed on your shoulder.

 

“Seulgi?”

 

There’s a warmth to her touch you’ve missed and subconsciously you find yourself leaning into it.

 

“Do you ever feel like there’s more than one you in your body?”

 

When you turn to Joohyun, she looks entirely confused. You don’t blame her. You’ve never been particularly adept at conveying your thoughts. Sighing, you try again.

 

“I mean,” you start, trying to think of the right way to word this, “you know how to us and everyone who knows you, you’re Bae Joohyun?” Joohyun nods so you continue. “But then to everyone else, you’re Red Velvet’s leader, Irene. Isn’t that weird? All these people only know you as someone else. They don’t even know the real you.”

 

Joohyun seems to study you carefully before her hand begins to trail the length of your arm, resting comfortably on top of your own.

 

“But isn’t Irene still the real me?” she questions and you scrunch your brows together in confusion. She rubs her thumb soothingly over your hand as she continues, “I’m still Bae Joohyun underneath all the makeup and hair dye.”

 

You don’t get it so Joohyun moves closer to you, until you can count all of her lashes if you wanted to. There’s a kind of tenderness that comes with the proximity and you find your body relaxing in a way it hasn’t since before you debuted.

 

“When we dance on stage together, who do you see when you look at me?” she asks quietly.

 

You think about it for a moment, remembering all those times you turned in time to the beat of the song and saw her staring right back at you. When her lips would curve up into the smile you’ve always been weak for.

 

“Baechu from Daegu.” you answer, giggling as she hits your arm.

 

“Answer seriously!”

 

You shake your head and lean forward so that you’re near her again. “I just see you, the Joohyun unnie who likes to kick me when I’m not looking.”

 

She smiles. “And I see you, the Seulgi who likes to tease me even though I’m older than her.”

 

You stick your tongue out at her and she rolls her eyes.

 

“I don’t think we’re that different.” Joohyun begins, and her eyes trail away from you and to your joined hands. “It’s just another side of us on stage, but we’re still the same people. We’re still just Joohyun and Seulgi.” She furrows her brows. “Right...?”

 

She’s right, you think.

 

It’s still you underneath it all. Just different sides of the same coin, and at the end of the day you’re still Seulgi.

 

Just like she’s still Joohyun.

 

And as long as that never changes that’s all that matters.

 

You nod, feeling lighter already. “Right.”

 

\--

 

Without the endless cycle of promotions to keep you busy, you find yourself getting lost in useless thoughts again, but this time you’re determined not to let it get to you so you distract yourself with games and random hobbies you pick up then forget about.

 

You rediscover your love for art - something long forgotten in the years of endless training - and you spend more time with a pencil in your hand and a sketchbook in your lap to keep you from becoming trapped in your own head.

 

Even Seungwan, who’s usually on the more cheery side of the spectrum, seems anxious from the gracious amount of free time you’ve all been allowed. These days you hardly see her without her earphones in and you wonder if she’s like you, trying to stop herself from becoming her own worst enemy.

 

Sooyoung is how she’s always been, bright and confident when she has to be but always retreating into herself when she thinks no one’s looking. You worry about her, but you haven’t quite figured out how to be anything more than just an open ear, a silent support system. You hope that’s enough.

 

Then there’s Joohyun who’s been doing her best not to break under the stress of all the responsibility she’s been unwillingly given. It’s wearing her down and it’s selfish but you’re afraid that you’ll lose her, one of the constants in your life you’re not sure you could do without.

 

Overall, the atmosphere in the dorm doesn’t have the same bumbling excitement it used to so when the company moves you to another building, you don’t even complain.

 

“I wish I had my own room,” you say, splayed out on the floor near Joohyun’s bed.

 

“Then switch with me.”

 

You scoff. “Don’t you want your own room?”

 

Joohyun stops from carefully ironing and hanging her clothes to join you on the floor.

 

“I haven’t slept alone in a long time.” she responds seriously.

 

You turn so that you’re on your side, eyeing the circles Joohyun’s drawing on the wood. You’ll miss being in the same room with her, but you think it might be better this way. It’s already bad enough she invades your thoughts more often that you’d like to admit, you don’t need to constantly see her as well.

 

“We’re only a room away.” You tell her, but she just smiles weakly. Your heart aches at the sight and you’re tempted to just get all of your stuff and move it in here, but you stop yourself. You all agreed that it’s only fair for Joohyun to get at least _some_ privacy as the oldest and you don’t want to go back on that now. Besides, it’s not like she’ll be alone forever.

 

“Old people should have their own rooms for, you know, old people things.” You joke, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

 

She glares at you.

 

“Should I remind you of your birthday coming up?”

 

You laugh and crawl so that your head is in her lap. Immediately, she begins playing with strands of your hair. You know you shouldn’t be but you’re glad that Joohyun’s naturally touchy. You don’t know what you’d do if you couldn’t be close to her like this (even if it _is_ just platonic).

 

“You won’t be alone for long.” You remind her. “Yerim will move in soon.”

 

None of you were actually surprised when the company said they were going to add her. You trained with Yerim long enough to know that she’d debut sooner rather than later, and the fact remained that you could all use some of the brightness that only childish youth could bring.

 

She hums. “That won’t be for a while. We still have award season.”

 

Right. Award season.

 

You aren’t sure if you’re excited or nervous for what award season will bring. You don’t want to get your hopes up, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t think about what it would feel like to win something.

 

“Do you think we’ll get anything?”

 

Joohyun stares at you pensively before shrugging simply.

 

“Maybe. Maybe not.” she answers. “Being nominated is already good enough for me.”

 

Your body warms at Joohyun’s words. She’s happy with what she’s been given and you know you are too. Just the fact that you debuted, that you have people out there who actually _want_ to see you perform, that you’re here now with Joohyun next to you is good enough.

 

It’s more than enough.

 

“Yeah,” you agree. “Me too.”

 

\--

 

You win your first award as a group and in spite of yourself you can feel your eyes begin to water.

 

You hold it back, biting at your lips because you don’t want to be weak. Not now.

 

You didn’t even care if you won anything that night, the experience of just being there already left you overwhelmed, but you can’t quite shake the feeling that all your hard work is starting to pay off, that all those hours of training have finally amounted to something real and physical. It’s only a New Artist Award, but it’s something (something you can only win once, you remind yourself) and that’s enough to threaten your control.

 

You stare into the crowd, but all you see are lights and you think strangely of stars, of Joohyun looking back at you that day you debuted, and you wonder if this is what it’s like to feel truly happy.

 

You feel Joohyun’s eyes on you, but you do your best to keep from turning. You’d crumble under her stare and you’re already struggling enough not to under everyone else’s. It’s only when you’re offstage and you don’t have to worry about your image that Joohyun pulls you aside, eyes shining in a way that makes your heart speed up for reasons other than exhilaration.

 

“Okay?” she asks. You nod and she looks like she wants to say something more, but instead she just pulls you into a crushing hug. “I’m happy too.” she whispers in your ear and you allow yourself to melt into the embrace.

 

“Who said you could hug without us?” You hear Seungwan say as two other pair of arms wrap around you both.

 

You feel Joohyun laugh against your shoulder and you hold her tighter, Seungwan and Sooyoung surrounding you with their warmth. You close your eyes, reveling in this moment of bliss, and try not to cry.

 

You wish you could stay like this forever.

 

\--

 

Yerim fits into the group easier than anyone expected. Maybe it’s because you’ve already known her for years, but there’s an odd comfort that comes with her arrival.

 

With the way she runs around, you think she’s got a neverending supply of energy and you’re kind of jealous because you wish you had the strength to bounce around and hound Seungwan for food after practice like she does. Mostly though, you’re just thankful because everyone seems to have a bit more life in them these days.

 

During a break in practice, you sit next to Yerim in the corner of the room watching as Sooyoung and Seungwan revive their argument from this morning. It’s something trivial (Sooyoung forgot to put Seungwan’s book back when she borrowed it or something like that, you aren’t really sure) and you know they’ll make up before the day ends, but you still eye them carefully just in case. You don’t like conflicts and you’d rather stop it before it starts.

 

“Should we be concerned?” Yerim asks, nodding her head towards the two.

 

Sooyoung looks tired more than anything and Seungwan’s face has smoothed into one of passive annoyance. They don’t seem like they’re going to start a war any time soon and even if they did, Joohyun’s already made her way over to monitor the situation so you shake your head.

 

“I think they’re okay.” And as you say it, Sooyoung bursts into a fit of laughter at something Joohyun says, throwing her arm around Seungwan’s shoulders nonchalantly while Joohyun only sighs wearily.

 

Yerim smiles softly. “You know them well.”

 

“It goes both ways.” You say and as an afterthought, add, “Though sometimes I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”

 

She laughs before resting her chin against her knees, watching as the others joke around freely.

 

“I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.” She mumbles quietly.

 

You nudge her shoulder. “We’ll help you.”

 

You grin at each other before Joohyun comes over to tell you the break is over. You frown at Yerim who mirrors it and then you’re both grabbing onto Joohyun’s hands, pleading for just five more minutes with all the aegyo you can muster. Joohyun shoots you both a disgusted look and it’s only when Seungwan joins and promises food (“Chicken!” Sooyoung interjects while Joohyun groans) that you get up.

 

Yerim’s already bouncing up and down with Sooyoung in the middle of the room, chanting ‘chicken’ over and over again while Seungwan laughs, patting the back of a resigned Joohyun.

 

You watch the sight fondly and realize with suddenly clarity that you haven’t been this at ease in a while.

 

It’s all thanks to them, you think, but what else is new.

 

\--

 

The bleach burns your scalp more than you anticipated, but it’s worth it for the almost glazed look Joohyun gives you when you emerge from the back of the salon, hair dry and brighter than it’s ever been.

 

“It looks good.” she mumbles and you duck your head shyly, muttering out a thanks. You’ll never get used to hearing compliments, especially when it’s from Joohyun who’s way more deserving of them than you are, and your cheeks warm against your will.

 

“My hair already feels dead.” Seungwan announces, fingering the blonde ends in front of the mirror across from you with Yerim behind her, running her fingers through the top.

 

“It died to make you look pretty, unnie.” Sooyoung responds, looking at her own hair - not as bright but just as attractive - next to her.

 

“Are you saying I wasn’t pretty before?”

 

“You said it, not me.”

 

“Yah, Park Sooyoung!”

 

You turn away from Sooyoung and Yerim attempting to appease a gaping Seungwan (not very well, you think amusedly) when you feel a tug at your wrist. Joohyun has her eyes trained on your hair, looking dazed as she reaches up to toy with a strand near your cheek.

 

Your breath hitches unconsciously and you clench your hands nervously. Having Joohyun so near, looking at you like this, is bringing up feelings you’ve done your best to ignore all this time. It’s one thing to love your best friend, but it’s another thing entirely to be _in_ love with her and while you’ve long since accepted having Joohyun in your life as nothing more than what she already is, you’re not sure you can still do that when she’s staring at you like you’re the only one in the room.

 

“Blonde suits you.” she says quietly and you swallow.

 

“It suits you more.” you respond because it does. It really does and you want to tell her that. But you want to tell her even more that yes, blonde suits her, but everything suits her because she’s so beautiful sometimes you catch yourself staring; you still can’t believe someone like her exists.

 

Joohyun shakes her head. “No, I mean- you just...you look really pretty.”

 

There’s something in the way Joohyun’s looking at you right now that has you parting your lips, tongue darting out to wet them in the way they usually do, and you catch Joohyun’s eyes lower to watch the movement. You want to say or do something, but you miss your chance when Sooyoung interrupts.

 

“How about we all look pretty?” she smiles, a mischievous glint in her eye. “Now we all win.”

 

“I support this.” Seungwan agrees and the two of them share a look. You’re not sure you want to know what that means. “Come here, Seulgi-yah.” Seungwan calls. “I want to see how pretty you look.”

 

Joohyun backs away from you to let you move towards the others. Seungwan fusses over your hair as Sooyoung and Yerim coo “Unnie’s so pretty” in every obnoxious way imaginable. Amidst all this, you look back to find Joohyun, still standing in that same spot and watching you with an unreadable expression.

 

And not for the first time, you feel confused by the weight of her stare.

 

\--

 

You feel more nervous before your comeback stage than you did when you debuted and you can’t figure out why. It’s not like you’re Yerim, who’s got more pressure on her shoulders than anyone else (though not even she looks as much a mess as you do). You think that maybe it’s because the song is being received so well that you feel like you need to do it justice, or maybe it’s because it’s the first time you actually feel like yourself before performing (which is strange because you certainly don’t _look_ like yourself).

 

You’ve been sick for a few weeks now and your voice is shaky throughout most of the song. You enter the waiting room, feeling disappointed with your less than stellar performance and scold yourself silently for not taking better care of your health. Maybe you should start bothering Seungwan for her vitamins again.  

 

You feel someone sit next to you and you don’t even have to look to know that it’s Joohyun.

 

“Are you feeling okay?” Joohyun asks you, pressing the back of her hand to your forehead.

 

“I’m fine.” you answer and she drops her hand to rest on your thigh. You stare at it before decidedly placing your own hand on top. “My voice was shaky.”

 

She squeezes reassuringly. “You still sounded great.”

 

“But I didn’t sound my best.” you point out.

 

“There will be more performances.”

 

“But this is the _first_.”

 

Joohyun frowns, her other hand coming to rest on your back. “It’s not your fault you’re sick.”

 

You frown because she’s right. She’s always right. You’d be bitter about it if you didn’t also appreciate how she'd always use it to talk sense into you. Especially in times like this. You think between her and Seungwan you’ll never be allowed a negative thought again.

 

You slump against her shoulder as she rubs your back gently. “I’m tired.”

 

“Did you already take your medicine?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

You feel her body vibrate as she laughs. “Well that’s why. You can sleep when we get back.”

 

You nod, eyes closing involuntarily. It’s a strangely relaxing moment despite the various people bustling everywhere around you. You can feel yourself beginning to drift off, the medicine you took earlier beginning to take effect, but before you do a thought enters your mind and you force yourself to stay awake for just a bit longer.

 

“Unnie?” you call.

 

Joohyun hums. “Yeah?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

She doesn’t ask you what for, but you wouldn’t be surprised if she already knew.

 

“Any time.”

 

\--

 

You go the store with Seungwan and find a camera you can’t keep yourself from going back to every five minutes. It’s on sale which you think has to be a sign so you buy it, Seungwan shaking her head the whole time but making no effort to stop you. When Sooyoung sees you fiddling with it on the couch, she raises a brow.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Camera.” you answer, trying to figure out the different shutter speeds and why that even matters.

 

“I know that.” Sooyoung retorts. “But why do you have one?”

 

“It was on sale.” is all you say and it seems to be enough because you hear Sooyoung walk away.

 

You’re on your second accidental picture of the coffee table when Sooyoung’s voice filters in from the kitchen.

 

“I’ll bet you 5000₩ she gives it up in a week.”

 

You whip your head around to narrow your eyes at Sooyoung and Yerim who don’t even pretend to look apologetic.

 

“You’re on.” They snicker as you go back to your camera, taking your third picture of your feet as you do.

 

In an effort to prove them wrong you spend the majority of your free time trying to figure out how to work the small thing. It’s harder than you thought it’d be, but after dozens of ruined shots and blurry photos, you can at least hold the camera properly.

 

You go overseas for a company concert and you think that now is as good a time as any to try and do some actual photography. Sooyoung jokes around that all your pictures are going to be out of focus, but she still poses when you ask her to, looking over your shoulder to see if it came out okay and praising you when it does.

 

Seungwan and Yerim entertain you as well, modeling in front of whatever you ask them to and occasionally getting behind the camera to photograph you as well. Joohyun just watches, laughing whenever someone makes an unflattering face, but she won’t let you take her picture, dodging behind you whenever you turn to her.

 

“Why not?” you whine and she scrunches her nose.

 

“I hate pictures.”

 

You think it’s unfair because she’s one of the few people you know who looks good in any angle, but you don’t push it. Sooyoung and Yerim are more than willing participants anyways.

 

You sit down as you wait for your flight, going through the pictures you took that day and trying to weed out the ones you know should never see the light of day. Joohyun and Yerim are across from you, looking at something on Yerim’s phone.

 

When you look up, Joohyun’s smiling at whatever Yerim’s showing her and the lighting is too good to pass up and she looks too beautiful for you to ignore so you raise the camera, capturing the moment before she can notice. It comes out as good as you knew it would and you smile subconsciously as you look at it.

 

“Pretty.” Seungwan comments, chin resting on your shoulder.

 

Joohyun laughs then and you glance up, appreciating the curve of her eyes and the line of her jaw as she throws her head back. She catches your eye briefly, smiling just a fraction more before turning her attention back to Yerim.

 

Your face warms and you lower your head.

 

“Yeah.” You agree.

 

She really is.

 

\--

 

When you win first place, there’s a rush of emotions that fill you to the point you aren’t even sure _what_ to feel.

 

There’s a mic being handed to you and you give an acceptance speech you’re sure you won’t remember later. It’s only when the song - _your_ song - starts playing that it hits you full force.

 

You just won first place.

 

You’re crying before you can stop yourself and you turn away from the audience to try and hide it. You’re reminded again of those seven years you spent wondering, waiting for when your time would come and the realization that it already has, that this _is_ your time, has you pressing your face further into your sleeves.

 

You bow to the audience, to the fans cheering for you, and hope that somehow they’ll understand just how thankful you are to each of them in this moment because even though this is the dream you’ve alway worked for, it was them who helped make it a reality.

 

When you get backstage, it’s Seungwan who gathers you all for a group hug. There’s a lot of tears and a lot of laughing and you’re not sure who starts it (it was probably Yerim) but you’re all bouncing around in a circle, probably looking crazier than you ever have, but no one stops you.

 

You don’t think you can get any happier.

 

\--

 

It’s when it’s late at night and you’re still riding on the adrenaline that came with winning, that you leave your bed and enter the living room, finding Joohyun there easily. She’s sitting on the couch, eyeing the trophy sitting on the table. You don’t get to keep it with you forever, but they let you take it home for the night after Sooyoung begged and Yerim gave them those eyes no one could say no to.

 

You sit next to her and she smiles at you.

 

“We won.” you say and she chuckles quietly.

 

“We did.”

 

“Can you believe you it?” You ask because you can’t. You remember when the two of you would sit together in the practice room, talking about what you’d say if you ever won and how it all seemed so unimaginable at the time. It still does.

 

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.” she answers honestly.

 

You sit together silently after that, marveling at the small prize you used to daydream about. It all feels like so long ago, and you think that so much has changed, but at the same time nothing has at all.

 

You still sing and dance every day, still swoon over Seungwan’s voice when you hear it, still play around with Sooyoung and Yerim, still think about Joohyun more than anyone else, and still love her more than you should.

 

You love her and right now it feels like it’s burning you, overwhelming you to the point that you _need_ to say it. Your mind is still cloudy from winning and general exhaustion that your heart wins the battle easily, but just as you open your mouth to tell her, she beats you to it.

 

“Seulgi-yah.” she calls, turning to you but you’re already looking.

 

You aren’t sure what makes you do it in that moment, but you breathe deeply, steeling yourself for what’s to come and with more assurance than you’ve ever had for anything in your life, finally tell her, “I love you.”

 

Joohyun’s eyes widen and it’s enough to make you realize what you just said. You’re ready to come up with an excuse, play it off as just platonic, anything to salvage this mess of a situation you’ve brought upon yourself, but then Joohyun grins, expression softening as she grabs at your hand.

 

“I was going to say that.” she says and you’re positive you heard wrong.

 

“What?”

 

Joohyun laughs, moving closer so that she can rest her forehead against yours. You close your eyes on impulse and when you feel how warm your body is, you think about how this is something you only ever feel with Joohyun. A kind of security she’s always given you since you sat next to her that day in the practice room all those years ago.

 

She still makes your heart beat just as fast.

 

“I love you too.”

 


End file.
